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222 project

Tyler Kalmakoff - Omega Contributor

People choose snacking foods for their convenience, for their versatility and for their texture. Nuts? Overachievers. Chips? See you at the gym. But popcorn—popcorn is the quintessential blend of human jubilance and mythical delight. Are you going to argue with me? It’s good for watching movies, though I really don’t know why. Probably because it doesn’t crunch loudly, unless it’s gourmet caramel. Still though, not in the same decibel range as nuts, and definitely not as loud as chips. The only thing loud about popcorn is the POP! Even then it’s an angelic, rapturous POP! Not the peeving, nagging, miffing POP! It’s the make-happy POP! The best thing is the comfort of tradition. Movie theatre popcorn always tastes the same, no matter where you go, no matter how old you are, jaded you are, in love you are. And air popped popcorn at home reminds me of my childhood. The popper doesn’t care how much money you have, just that you have enough kernels in the bag to fill the bowl. Enough to last, you know? Popcorn is fluffy. Homey. Cinematic. Billowy. But mostly fluffy. And who would oppose eating it? What kind of person would riot against it? Surely no one with any sense of taste and logic. Besides being relatively healthy (15grams of fibre per half cup) if you don’t add the sugar or the butter or the salt, popcorn is also a great date snack: no mess, no bad breath, no frivolous disputing over last dibs; there’s always enough for both. Share. Be nice. I usually share on the first date, but that’s as far as it goes. Unless it’s at a football game and it’s snowing and raining and blowing and it’s our anniversary and she forgot her jacket in the car, then I’d ask, “Would you like a handful?” Only to warm her up. But only then. It’s popcorn, after-all. Why give it away for free—the regular seasoning, the salt, the cheddar, the dill pickle. Who put the salt in “salt and vinegar?” Popcorn did. But I generally choose sugar; it has the least chance of disappointing. To microwave, to air-pop, or to stove-top pop?—that is the real question Jerry Seinfeld. You can even thread popcorn on to a string and use it as a wall or Christmas tree decoration. Park pond swans also love popcorn. Arm yourself with some before you go for a walk. Seagulls, mice, even cats enjoy popcorn—people with dentures, too. Popcorn is not prideful or prejudice. It just is. Always there, always ready, always too good to be true. Try some of my sister’s popcorn salad. I know it sounds really weird, but it’s really really good. If you hate it, just send it on over to the Omega House. I’d be more than happy to finish it for you.

1 c. mayonnaise (not diet) (I use Miracle Whip) 1/2 c. chopped onion 3/4 c. diced celery 1/2 c. water chestnuts, drained (opt.) 3/4 c. bacon, crisp & crumbled 1 c. grated cheddar cheese 6 c. popcorn, popped

*Mix all before popcorn. After popcorn is mixed in, let chill for 60-90 minutes. Serves 4-6.